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Articles By Godwin & Ruth

Charting a New Course ….becoming one with your spouse

A Proverb once said that when an adult falls, he looks behind, but when a child falls he looks forward. Same way to find solution to a problem we first look for the cause, make the change and start afresh. To chart a new course in life particularly in your marriage, you must first re-visit the beginning.

What was it that attracts you to your spouse?
How did it happen?
How has it been?
How is it now and how would you love for it to be?

You must consider what need to change and what need stay in order for you to chart a new course. If your marriage or relationship is not what or where you want it to be, this is your opportunity to make the right commitment and decide to become one with your spouse. Genesis 2:24, says “For this course shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they two shall become one” To the natural man, it is a mystery that two people will come together and become one. But like the bible rightly said, “God has chosen the foolish things of this world to confound the wise”.

I often thought to myself that this is against the law of mathematics. It is established that 1+1will always equal 2. The question is why has God chosen to make 1+1 = 1 when it comes to marriage. Pondering on this mystery, I realized that for two to become one, there must be some shedding, dropping, and releasing of some excess luggage we carry from our past. These excess baggage include, redundant ideas or rigid rules learned from parents or caregivers that formed our belief system.

In charting a new course, to become one with your spouse, change must take place. First, your old ways of doing things must be put aside, and new way must be employed that will involve the two of you. There must be dropping, bending and shaping of each your lives to fit in to the other person’s life. As it is for a stone to become a part of the building, it must first go through the rigor of chiseling, and cutting by the bricklayer. Same way for you to become one and be or remain happy in your marriage, you must let go all your controlling, selfish, uncaring, nagging, ungrateful and irresponsible, etc, behaviors and attitudes that could be harmful to your marriage. To become one you must be willing to:

  • Renew your commitment to God - rather than giving up on your marriage, remember that God was a witness to the vow you made at the time of your marriage and he hate putting away (Mal. 2:14-16). 
  • Start over - even though situation may look impossible, close the door on other options (such as divorce or separation) and be willing to make it work. 
  •  Forgive the past pain and hurt - look to what the future holds and God’s promises. 
  •  Accept each other as God’s perfect provision for your life and needs - look past each other’s imperfections but be kind to one another 
  • Be willing to take responsibility for your actions and embrace change - be willing to love unconditionally, show compassion, support and affection. Be naked and plain with one another, and give it your all. 
  • As you do this, your marriage will once again enjoy the spark it once knew when you first said ‘yes I do’.

6 D's of Marital Breakdown
Most marriages fail due to inability to withstand or process life challenges encountered as they grow in their marriage. The following are some of the dangerous signs that the marriage is about to fail.

Distance – this occur when your start keeping away from one another for no apparent reason, when one spouse is using a job or hobbies as an excuse to get away to avoid dealing the other.

Discord – occurs when all you do is fight with each other all the time like cat and dog. When you cannot stand your spouse without complaining or feeling of irritation.

Deadness – occurs when couple lives together, but no life or love in the home. Everyone does what they please with little or no concerns or affection for the other.

Disloyalty – occurs when spouse starts to hid things from each other, keep secrets, affairs, e.t.c without any remorse when confronted with it.

Dis-respect – results when one or both spouses talked down on each other, in private or in public, or when they fail to respect each others opinion.

Disunity – occurs when spouse cannot agree on anything; both have different opinion on how to do things and are in constant disagreement with one another on whose idea is good or bad.

Hopelessness results when one or both spouse thinks the marriage no longer have a future and are considering separation or divorce.

submitted by Ruth Otuno